The Daughter-in-law Sets Up The Grandchildren Against The Mother-in-law: What To Do For A Grandmother

2024 Author: Bailey Albertson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 12:53

The daughter-in-law sets up her grandchildren against her mother-in-law: what should a grandmother do?

Not a very good relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is an eternal topic that will never lose its relevance. In addition to the fact that many young women do not burn with love for their husband's mother, some also turn their children against the elderly woman. For a grandmother who loves her grandchildren, this gives a lot of experience. How should she behave in such a situation? How to look for an approach to your daughter-in-law?

Content

• 1 Why daughters-in-law turn grandchildren against mother-in-law

  • 1.1 Mother-in-law initially dislikes daughter-in-law
  • 1.2 The mother-in-law is too obsessive
  • 1.3 The daughter-in-law blackmails an elderly woman with her grandchildren
  • 1.4 The parents themselves are divorced

• 2 How a grandmother should behave correctly in this situation

  2.1 Video: how mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to improve relations (advice from psychologist N. Zalevskaya)

• 3 Common mistakes of a mother-in-law

Why daughters-in-law turn grandchildren against mother-in-law

The obvious reason why the daughter-in-law turns her grandchildren against her mother-in-law is the imperfect or even simply conflicting relationships of the women themselves. The guilty side in each case is different.

Mother-in-law initially dislikes daughter-in-law

Perhaps the elderly woman from the very beginning did not approve of the choice of her son and did not consider it necessary to hide it. However, with the appearance of her grandson or granddaughter, she resigned herself to the "unlucky" daughter-in-law and now longs for communication with the baby. Naturally, a young mother remembers well past grievances and unwittingly shows her dislike for her mother-in-law in front of her children. Those, like a sponge, absorb this negative and demonstrate it to their grandmother.

Perhaps the mother-in-law initially did not approve of the choice of her son, and now the daughter-in-law subconsciously sets the children up against the grandmother

Some mothers deliberately tell the child about their grandmother, scare her. The goal in this case is to wean the mother-in-law from home. In front of her husband, such a woman justifies herself by the fact that his mother influences her grandchildren badly.

Mother-in-law is too intrusive

It often happens that the mother-in-law does not dislike the daughter-in-law, but she is too intrusive. For example, she declares to visit a young family every weekend, and she can do this without warning. She constantly gives advice to her daughter-in-law about housekeeping, raising children, feeding them, etc. All this causes a subconscious protest in the young wife, and she begins to criticize grandmother's methods of upbringing, housekeeping, outlook on life in the presence of children. In such an environment, the overprotective daughter-in-law can be annoyed by a variety of things that under other circumstances she would not have paid attention to: the mother-in-law secretly gives the child sweets before dinner, tries to wrap him up warmly so that she does not catch a cold, tells silly jokes, etc.

Perhaps the mother-in-law is too intrusive, constantly interferes in the life of a young family

Daughter-in-law blackmails old woman with grandchildren

Some overbearing young women command their husbands (if he has a weak character). Often, with the help of their children, they try to manipulate his mother, for example, they want financial assistance from her (“Grandma is bad, because she does not want to give us money for a trip to the sea”).

It is certainly despicable for a daughter-in-law to blackmail an elderly woman with her grandchildren. And, of course, this does not contribute to a harmonious relationship between spouses. Children grow up quickly and sooner or later notice that at the mention of their grandmother, dad gets upset, and mom shudders maliciously.

The parents themselves are divorced

A separate situation is when mom and dad are divorced. Often, at the same time, a young woman is filled with anger at her ex-husband and his entire family. Some even forbid the grandmother to see the child and certainly negatively set their child against her.

If the parents are divorced, the mother is often angry with the ex-husband and his family, it is quite natural that she turns the child against the grandmother

How to behave correctly in this situation for a grandmother

Naturally, if the mother-in-law herself is not very eager to communicate with her grandchildren (for example, she has adorable grandchildren from her daughter, to whom she pays all her attention), their not very friendly attitude may not cause her much discomfort. But if the grandmother sincerely wants to take part in the life of the kids, loves them, then the daughter-in-law's "politics" gives her a lot of worries. Of course, you need to look for a way out of this situation - to improve relations with your daughter-in-law. First of all, you should not wait for the first step from a young mother (this can take years, and nothing will change), but take specific measures yourself:

1. Respect and acceptance of the daughter-in-law. This is not just a young woman with her own personalities and qualities, but the life choice of her son. Even if, for example, she is not a very good housewife, you need to respect her place in the family (after all, in the end, this is her house and she has the right to decide what it should be like).
2. Show of courtesy. This is necessary to improve relations with the daughter-in-law. Even if that rude, not too educated, mother-in-law should step over herself, apply her experience, worldly wisdom. With such a benevolent (necessarily sincere) behavior of the grandmother, reciprocal courtesy should sooner or later arise.
3. Do not impose on a young family. The mother-in-law must accept that her son's house is not her own, and she cannot come there when she pleases. There is no need to overuse visits to your son's house, all the more to do it without a call: you should always ask when it is convenient for the family to receive guests. In addition, you need to be extremely careful with "valuable" advice: after all, the husband and wife live by their own principles (methods of raising children, housekeeping, budget allocation, etc.), which they consider correct. Even if an elderly woman has witnessed a family conflict, in no case should she interfere: it is better to quickly pack up and go home. The young will make it up anyway, and the intervening side will remain guilty.
4. Constantly remind the daughter-in-law of her love for her grandchildren, politely convey to the young woman that she has a person who is always ready to sit with the child and help.

The mother-in-law must step over herself and take all measures to establish friendly relations with the daughter-in-law

If the daughter-in-law manipulates the mother-in-law's love for her grandchildren, the desire to see them more often (she sees that the grandmother is very worried about the attitude of the children towards her), then in some cases a wait-and-see attitude can help. Psychologists recommend showing the young mother that there are other activities in the life of a grandmother (interesting work, favorite hobby, communication with friends, etc.) - the world did not converge on some grandchildren. Perhaps the daughter-in-law will stop turning the children against the elderly woman. After all, she probably understands that a loving grandmother will treat a child better than, for example, a nanny.

If the daughter-in-law manipulates the grandmother's love for children, it is worth showing her that the elderly woman has other interests in life.

When the mother-in-law is too offended by her daughter-in-law, cannot forgive her harsh words, psychologists advise to throw out her negative emotions in various ways.

Video: how mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to improve relations (advice from psychologist N. Zalevskaya)

Typical mistakes of a mother-in-law

In a situation where the daughter-in-law sets up her grandchildren against her mother-in-law, an elderly woman often makes mistakes, rash acts that only exacerbate the problem:

1. Openly quarrels with his daughter-in-law, and does so in front of his son. In response, the young woman will only become even more embittered and will seek out new ways to take revenge on her mother-in-law.
2. Secretly complains to his son about his wife. This is again an attempt to intervene in family relations, which will not lead to anything good.
3. Asks his son to visit with his grandson without a daughter-in-law. For a young mother, this is just a shame.

If the daughter-in-law sets her children up against the mother-in-law, then the matter lies in the very difficult relationship between the two women. The grandmother's task is not to aggravate the conflict, but to try to find an approach to her son's wife, accept her with all possible flaws and, possibly, change herself.